3 years of blogging. 4 years of Instagram. I have been doing this since I was 22. Still in university. And it’s been life changing. Person Changing even. Was it great? Hell yeah. Was is all great? Hell no. Nearly half of my twenties are on the internet. Literally. I have lived more social media than actual life these past years. I have given a lot to this. Maybe even too much. Only because I wanted to. Only because it used to make me happy. Until I not so much wanted to. It was ok. But one day it hit, and it hurt like a motherfucker. So I did what I know best. I wrote it all down. Here is how blogging has influenced my life, relationships and mental health for the past 4 years.
That I want to live life instead of pretending to live it.
It all starts with magic moments that have captured my heart this year. Drunken waves of laughter on EDM ballads, new people coming in with a different promise, the endless chase of adrenaline in the most unexpected places. I had been stuck in a rut for too long, going round and round with content that failed to make me happy, convinced that the insignificance of life is a normal thing to go through. It isn’t true. Life should be breathless and if it isn’t, you should work every day in making it happen. We all know blogging comes along with heavy glamourization, the one thing that is unknown is that while we go to such extents to be relatable that there is no longer anything relatable about us. We miss out on actual reality. On unplugged days where your phone is stuck somewhere under the sofa, on real-life connections that don’t require a like or a follow, on being uninfluenced on what we say, wear, think, or do. We forget to give ourselves a break for the sake of a better version of ourselves. To enjoy the moment for the sake of capturing it. And it’s sad. It makes life significant on paper but totally bland in real life. I can’t speak for other bloggers, but that is how mine has come to feel.
That I haven’t written with my whole heart in a long time.
It feels good to step back and look back at all the words written, to realize that I have spent this entire year writing half-truths. I have somehow convinced myself that this new social media era is not a place for these feelings to publicly exist anymore. I still think that. The more the business grows, the less I find myself in it. It all goes too fast, we don’t necessarily appreciate the content we consume anymore and I find myself wondering why I should put that much time and effort creating stories that people are no longer interested in relating to. But it shouldn’t be about that. It should be about being yourself no matter what. And that is something I haven’t done in a while. Neguine is alright. She has never been better. She grows every day. At a fast beat. She likes different stuff. Weird stuff. She cares about the bigger picture. Wants to be part of something better. I don’t think I have ever had a clearer grasp of who Neguine is. I don’t think I have ever felt so at peace with who Neguine is. But PersianBrunette? Nope. No idea. I have lost grasp of her. She has somehow become just another blogger. She tries hard. Striving every day to be seen. Posing like any other girl. Somehow badass, somehow vulnerable. Forgetting what made her special in the first place. She is not who Neguine is anymore. She has taken a life on her own. She goes to cool coffee shops only to spend around an hour looking like the most narcissistic person in the room. She wears trends for the sake of wearing something. She says funny stuff because she knows that is what people wants to hear. She does these ridiculous pissed off poses for hours. People stop and stare but she is so used to it she pretends they don’t exist. She is connected H24, not letting Neguine having a life of her own. The scary thing being, it all comes so naturally to her when it has nothing to do with who Neguine is. But then she comes home, takes the red lipstick off and the magic fades. Heartbreakingly, Neguine and PersianBrunette don’t get along anymore. And it sucks. It hurts. It feels like I have no words to say anymore, because they are simply not enough. I feel like running away. And this is why I have. The days are passing by, I am soon to be 26. And I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be two different people. I am exhausted. It’s almost been four years and the blogging lows are now stronger than the blogging highs. Time to change. Time to do things differently. Time to be the part of myself I am proud of, and not the one I am feeling forced to be.
That self-love is sometimes an excuse we use to not fall in love
Taking care of yourself and finding love for who you are should be your priority, that is still where my mind stands by. However, in my case, chasing self-love has been a constant theme for the past four years. I fell in love like I don’t think I ever will again. Lucky me. This one was almost impossible to get through. I now see why though. I now see why it failed. Why I failed. I failed because loving someone as an excuse to run away from loving yourself is the wrong way to love. No one is here to fix you. No one is here to complete you. No one is here to save you from the world. I failed because I didn’t understand what I deserved. Time has flown. So fast. But at the same time it feels like the waves of truths were coming to me like tsunamis making the healing so slow. So painful. But I did it. I healed. I drowned myself in a sea of self-love habits. I kicked the persistant ache out of my body. I hit the delete button. I am aware I did, I am aware I am fixed. But now that I am whole for the first time, I am terrified. Like shitting in my pants terrified. I can’t barely look someone I like in the eyes, let alone talk to them. My heart insistantly asks my brain: when does self-love become too much self-love? Do you really need to still be “working on yourself” or are you using it as an excuse to protect yourself from breaking again? And my brain laughs and laughs. Of course we are scrared, who wouldn’t be?
That the fear of happiness is a real thing.
That is perhaps one of the hardest things to admit because the more the thought plays out loud in my head the more I feel ashamed of the significance it has taken over my life. I am terrified of happiness. Not of being happy solely, but of getting used to it, calling it mine and seeing it go away as fast as it came. So whenever something good happens in my life, I keep it silent. I keep it close to my heart, afraid to ruin it, to jinx it a way or another. I am afraid of claiming property over these good things, so I don’t. I let them take over my life, just like you would rent an airbnb. I consciously convince myself that I am not home, that this is a vacation, it is temporary, it is going to end. I repeatedly say that settling is not for me, it is partly true, partly wrong. It has to do with my character. The need to be entertained, to be reinvented but mostly, to be protected. I run run run before I get the chance to get hurt. I smile coyly, saying that stable was perhaps never meant for me. I joke about the fact that I joined the dark side a few moons ago. Because it is the easy thing to do. It has nothing to do with being a badass, and everything to do with being a coward. They say heartbreaks make you stronger, but what if it was the opposite?
That pretty is no longer enough.
My relationship with blogging has not only changed as a content creator but also as a viewer. I get tired of the same sponsored storylines, as an OG here (4 years is pretty much being and OG at this point), it saddens me to see that monetized influence is slowly devouring our individuality. We are the stormtroopers of Instagram. All our movements depend on each other. We wear the same masks on our faces, expressions that look fierce and pretty but only because you already saw them a thousand times on your feed this week. Let’s be real for a second, do you have any idea of the number of people you follow just because they look good? It’s been a real mind twister for me lately, realizing how many people I follow for aesthetic reasons only. This might sound harsh, but years of IG experience gives you a pretty good sense of figuring people out. You see common practices and behaviors, you understand personalities behind the craft. Some people whose visual content I absolutely adore, are people I could never hang out with. That’s fine. You are never going to vibe with everyone. But that made me question: How much content do I digest a day? And within that content, are there actually people that I can relate to on a deeper level than clothes and make-up? Of course, there are. But only a few. I can name them all. Women that inspire me beyond their looks, men even. Trust me when I say I understand the functional aspect of following a fashion/beauty blogger, I understand it isn’t that deep. But why shouldn’t it be? If my time and attention are going to be spent on someone and I am going to let them influence my behavior, they should be more than a pretty face with an amazing style.
That change is not an easy thing.
So I am sure you know by reading this post now, change has hit once again. My mind has moved continents, my priorities have shifted, the conversations with my people are taking a different tone and it all comes with questions that scare the crap out of me. What does that all mean for PersianBrunette? Is this the end of something that truly brought me out of my shell? You know when you love someone but are not in love with them anymore? That is exactly where I stand and it’s heartbreaking. Because there is nothing I want more than being in love with it. I created stuff that made my heart so full at the time, it made me proud and empowered to be Neguine. But when I go back to this year and to all the experiences that have shaped it, none of them have to do with blogging. Years ago, I ran away from reality and fostered all the love and energy I had into words. Pictures. I was on unknown grounds, shyed away from people, blogging became everything. Now is different. I fell in love with reality. I need to keep in touch with it to feel healthy. Without the guilt. Without the need to be working constantly. Perhaps this is the first step to falling in love with it again, to find my way back. Or forward. Blogging can’t be everything anymore. It is not easy on me, I missed it so much when I first disconnected. But the days kept passing, and I started feeling good. Rested. Healthy. Strong. Being unexposed to all the bullshit social media represents made me happy. That is a happy I never thought I would feel. I thought my love for social media would never fade. But sometimes you outgrow love stories, and I have outgrown this one. It’s a big change but from now on: social media will be shaped by my life. Not the other way around.
That NOW is the time
It all ends with that realization. There are 4 months left of 2018 and boy have I lived. I don’t think there was ever a time in my life where I bashed all my fears and excuses to say: “Fuck it, let’s do it”. There was an infinity of small things that happened that got my people saying: Damn, who are you and what did you do to Neguine? I interviewed at Google, went to see concerts and musicals, drove a boat for the first time, went against my fear of needles and got pierced 3 times in a month, befriended strangers, had random crushes here and there. Booked a trip an hour before departure. Read over 30 books. Bucket listed the shit out of my dreams. I SAW KYGO. AND TAYLOR SWIFT GUYS. TWICE. I started a new job. Big things. Little things. All of them so breathless. All of them so magic. And it got me to change something that I thought to be permanent in my mind. I thought I needed to solve so many issues before I got to experience some things in my life. Crossing some boxes to finally get to the good stuff. But no matter the barriers, no matter the questions, no matter the doubts, there has never been a better time to feel alive. Now is the time.
Neg! my dear friend!
As always I feel like you are my soulmate! you speak the struggles that I carry around to afraid to talk about.
the statements you are making are the exact troubles I am carrying around with me everyday.
To be honest I would really really really miss your writing if you broke up with persianbrunette.
You are one of the reasons are started my blog to begin with!
sending you lots of love!
XO
Britta
Super article sis !! I feel you… Xoxo
The most joyful post ever. I can tell that you had the best of time while you took a break from blogging. I really felt these words, sis. And you know what I am so so happy for you.
Not gonna lie, I wondered where are you, but I am so happy knowing that you are in a such a happy place at the moment and that’s the best thing ever. Always know that I will always be here to support you. Your number one fan. 🙂 I’ve been through a lot lately… emotionally I was on a roller coaster but that shaped me a lot into person that I am today. It’s important to do what makes us happy and that’s why I totally understand every word you wrote.
Love life sis and have a lots of fun! Love you and missed you!
Oh girl so relatable!! I had the most insane summer of my life and haven’t touched my poor blog since June or July and … I don’t miss it 🙈 I’ve been hanging out with friends on weekends, seeing live music, reading real books, journaling, posting on Instagram when I want rather than following a strict schedule. One of my last posts were not so great videos of live music that I’m sure only a few people cared about and it only got about 30 likes and I’m ok with that. Blogging has become a thought that’s lingering in the back of my head but honestly I feel like I never really knew where I stood with the blog or that I knew how to market it properly. I’m really enjoying just being me and living in the moment. So.. here’s to us and the present I guess!
But I did always think you have excellent content that’s way more personal than the majority. Anyway, hope you stay happy regardless of your decision.
xx