I’m not gonna lie, the last couple of months have been real challenging.
I think I have been silencing how I have been feeling for so long because I really didn’t want to be that girl. The girl that falls repeatedly, have a bad time and grows to be okay until the next freefall. I didn’t want to unfold the drama, to admit I wasn’t doing okay, to just show that I couldn’t keep it together. Maybe because we increasingly aspire to see happy content, to read joyful thoughts, things that inspire you and make you aspire to a better life. So I tried to keep it together too well: picture after picture, caption after caption, day after day. Here lies the whole magic of social media. And it is fucking sad.
I feel like somehow life has put a lot of obstacles my way, some of which I pretended to handle like a champion. I saw doors close unexpectedly at a moment where I wasn’t prepared for it to happen. I am no stranger to falls, God knows they have made me the person I am today, but I am a stranger to falling in a hopeless place. I am used to believing fiercely that things will turn out okay, that everything happen for a reason and that no matter what you go through, it will eventually make you a better and stronger person. So I tried to hold on to that version of myself, I tried to get the best out of it and fake it when I really didn’t feel like there was any good to it. No life changing lesson, just life sucking every bit of the strength I had left.
I arrived to the point of not caring, of not wanting, of assuming all fight would be lost before it was even delivered. To the point of not being the person I have been for the last 24 years. I tried to be Harm Proof, to stop caring so I wouldn’t be hurting. I tried to be tough, sometimes too much of a sarcastic bitch and definitely the opposite of weak. However, by trying to avoid to feel the pain I was causing it to the people I love the most, and that was the biggest slap in the face I could ever receive. I realized that being so harsh on my own feelings isn’t going to make me feel any better. That trying to shut them off, to tough it up and being completely closed off to my people isn’t going to take me to a better place.
There are moments where everything you do, is going to require tremendous efforts and strength. Probably in moments when you totally lack it, when you feel you have nothing else to give, where you just live a day after another without expecting the best out of it. Life is going to take you through a large series of disappointments, whether you try to avoid them or not. You will get your heart broken, you will feel abandoned, you will feel worthless, you will feel alone and also strengthless. When that happens, just know our minds have the power to distort things the wrong way but that it fortunately works the other way around too. There is nothing more powerful than standing up after falling numerous times and accepting that you will probably fall a thousand times after that. Being the bigger person isn’t about running away from harm and embracing the safe havens, it’s about embracing whatever comes on your way.
Maybe it’s life, maybe it’s winter, maybe it’s all the expectation for us to go through a flawless path. Who the fuck knows.
So Gucci and red lipstick apart, I don’t think I will ever get to be the chick that can sell you a life you’ll ever aspire to. I’m really not a great fit for that role. I spend most of my life in the least glamorous outfits possible, make up non included. I don’t have the perfect insta boyfriend that takes me to glamorous restaurants nor the Insta dream squad to take Chanel flatlays with. I curse at my jeans for not fitting like they should and at my hair for never looking the same. I fall, always fucking clumsily. And because I feel it all, I’m going to go through shit but I am also going to learn something different every time. On my own, which is probably the greatest gift I hold nowadays. I don’t need a boyfriend, a best friend, the perfect body, the perfect insta life or anyone’s validation to reach emotional balance. These come and go, they might give me a hand but the one holding the will to stand up again is none but myself.
Well, myself and Chipotle.
Lots of Love Always,
TODAY I’M WEARING: Zara coat // Zara Shorts // Zara Shirt // Zara Boots // Gucci Bag
All pictures by Darius Boustantchi