It’s Neguine version 2016 talking from Toronto. Yes Bitch, you are 24 and now live in Canada. Please stop cringing, It is really not that bad. Please take a seat because now is one of those life changing moments where I tell you all you need to know, truths I wished Neguine from the future told me at the time.
You are now 14 and gosh you make such a big deal out of it: you have so many dreams, expectations and movies in your head about how your life should be. And who can blame you? You are told that these are the best years of your life, that you are finally becoming a woman, that the magic happens now. Well babe, sorry to tell you that teenage bullshit mainly happens in movies. Dear Neguine, if you knew the roller coaster you are about to take, you would probably freak out, cry and swear that this is all way too much for you. Truth is, it is going to be too much at times but you will learn to handle it like no one else. Stop the drama, I just thought I would inform you because we both know that you are terrified of roller coasters.
You don’t know it yet but high school is going to be that chapter in your life you will never want to go back to. Right now you are surrounded by things: nice school, nice vacations, nice clothes, nice everything. A nice illusion that everything is going okay but you don’t fit in, you don’t feel good, you feel alone. Let me tell you Neg, it’s okay. Even if you don’t believe it, so many people are living the same thing as you are: Not knowing how to make friends, not having a killer body, not wanting to get trashed every weekend, feeling like nothing about them is unique enough to stand out. High School is all about being as superficial as you can, and somehow life has pushed you to be more mature than others, to be different. It sucks because people don’t get your deal and you go through a loner time. You Listen to Tokio Hotel closing yourself to a bubble that makes you feel safe, that makes you forget that hence, your place is not here. With the years it gets worse as the social pressure grows stronger on you, bitches will mess up with you making you feel fat, ugly and completely out of place. When that happens don’t even blink, trust me when I say they are even more messed up than you are.
Your difference makes you feel ashamed, like you are missing out on so many things of the teenage experience, like you need to be someone else to live all the good stuff. It really shouldn’t, you are who you are and that’s enough. It’s okay if you are not a size 36, it’s okay if guys are not crazy about you, it’s okay if you don’t have friends: what you have now is yourself, so you better start cherishing her like she deserves to be cherished.
With guys, it’s the same shit. Your social awkwardness stops you from being the typical teenage killer flirter, it makes you feel unwanted as everybody is starting to date. Then there is this cute guy, nothing will ever happen but he will probably have more impact on you than any average teenage love. One day he will ask you “ why do you always look sad?” and it will slap you harder than any other truth ever has. The cutie has a point and you will be forever grateful for it: Nobody is to blame for life playing bad cards on you. That’s the day you will promise yourself that no one will ever see that you are having a bad day or you are sad again. So you will build that giant wall, you will learn marketing before even knowing what the hell it is. You will learn to laugh, all the time. Loudly and hysterically but never truly. People will start to think you are crazy, that you are this over positive person, over confident, over happy. That you had things easy.
At seventeen, High school ends and the trick pays off as you make friends. Real ones. For the first time, you belong and you love it. You are part of something big, something strong, something fun. You dance like no one is watching, live your first big parties but always stay grounded with your grandma limits. That you are good at, it’s like you always have a seatbelt on: You go fast but you never crash. Sometimes it’s a bummer because you feel that you stop yourself from living things fully, that you can’t let go, and again it makes you feel ashamed. That is when I tell you that we all have our own rhythm, if you feel safer with a seat belt on, there is a day you won’t need it anymore. But for once, someone gets it. Sergi will become that constant person in your life, he will always make you laugh hysterically, and yes truly. But more importantly, he will support you and love you like a very few do no matter what stupid decision you will decide to endeavor. You will also meet a Barbie called Marion that you will learn to hate, but surprisingly she will turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you later in life.
Business School will also be a hell of a ride. Probably because you don’t want to be there, you have so many dreams in your heart that you feel that university is slowly cutting your wings. There is this huge dilemma between who you are supposed to be as a legacy and who you truly want to be. You want to fly, you want to prove yourself to everybody, to show what you are capable of, but you have absolutely have no idea of how to do it. And it kills you because you know you have it in you, but you don’t have the strength and character to bring it out of you. So you keep on with university believing that somehow life will bring the pieces together, because you are expected to do so and because you have no alternative plan to prove that quitting is the right thing to do. This year will be a tough one for you, I know you won’t believe me when you read but you and Dad will stop talking. And it will hurt like a motherfucking bitch, like your world just fell apart, like you just lost a part of yourself. And you will, because we both know that Dad is your best friend. Finishing what you started suddenly becomes tougher and tougher, but you are not a quitter. You will work harder than you ever had, to keep going, to prove a point to all the people that ever doubted you but mostly to feel that you are worth something, that you are worth fighting for. You will fail at some things and when you do, please remember that failure is an opportunity to shine brighter.
Starting from that, it only gets better. Your exchange in Canada will make you feel so alive that you will know your place is no longer in Barcelona. You finally find the people that gets you to your core, that will support you when you will fall and that will mean everything to you no matter where you guys decide to live. And without being able to connect the dots or even understand, you will fall in love with someone that will break that wall you spent so much effort building, making you feel as naked as you have ever been. He will make everything else irrelevant, it’s a type of connection that you only encounter a few times in life and that will make you unfasten the seatbelt, to finally put the courage to go after what you want. Life circumstances will end it though and as expected you will crash. I’m not going to lie, it will be one of those explosive crashes that will make you miserable, girl. Nothing will be able to soothe you but luckily, Darius, Dolors and Marion (yes, the barbie bitch) are headstrong enough to hold your hand like no one ever did. You finally understand what real best friends feel like: unconditional acceptance and support as the main pillars of love. People that no matter how deep you sink will do anything to bring you up again.
Often, you wish you told him the right words but fear empowered you too many times and deep down you know it wouldn’t have changed a thing. That will make you grow a fighter: You become tougher, decide to start protecting yourself and stop being nice to those who don’t deserve it. You don’t try to impress anyone anymore but mostly you learn to speak your heart when you need to and truly fight for what you want. Sad truth is if you don’t, someone else will. So love isn’t something you will chase anymore, you have more important stuff to focus on. For the first time, it’s all going to be about you only. Darius will push you to become PersianBrunette and this will get you closer than ever. Most people won’t believe in you but you won’t give a shit and just go for it. And It will turn out to be the best decision of your life as it will not only allow you to live beautiful experiences but it will also push you to open your heart everyday. You will start writing again, to release all the things you have been holding on to for so long and slowly recollect all the pieces together because by now, you will know who you are.
Dear Neguine, I know it’s difficult to believe but you are way stronger than what you think. The one thing about you is that you really don’t need saving, you are your own hero, you are the one empowered to make your dreams come true. Don’t victimize yourself, we all have bad things happening and what defines us as the boss of our lives is how we allow them to be the best of us and stop them from becoming insecurities and fears. Please stop wanting to be like everybody else and rush things, trust me when I say that you will feel so accomplished to know that every single one of these events happened at the right time. You are special girl and if you feel that you don’t fit anywhere, it is because you really don’t need to. I know you are afraid of Cold Canada but as incredible as it sounds, it’s your place. You will learn to fly with the wings you were given and to never settle for anything, there will be no more fear of things not happening. Trust the power of destiny and learn to wait for the best to happen to you because if something is meant to be, it will no matter the obstacles. So don’t give up, unfasten the seatbelt at the right time and never forget that you are loved unconditionally. If it is not from the present, it comes from the future.
Lots of Love Always,
TODAY I’M WEARING: ZARIN RASHID dress // ZARA shoes // CHANEL bag
All pictures by Darius Boustantchi